Considering Success In Marriage

Chuck Smith

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. For Americans, this can be difficult. Especially because of the fictions we've been taught since childhood, which are supported by movies and other cultural influences. In fact, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself
2.The response to a person who reminds them of some one whom they have loved
3.The desire to escape from an unhappy situation
4.Consolation for failure or disappointment
5.Social pressures and/or the fear of being "left on the shelf"
6.Sexual desires
7.Some minor point of attraction

These forms of love are not false - they are very real. Often, they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty about marriage. And some of them - such as numbers 1, 6 and 7 - have a proper place in marriage.

Their danger is that they are superficial. No single one of them, or all of them together, is strong enough to constitute the foundations of a successful marriage. Yet these deceive people who believe that "love is enough" into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must go far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to have and raise happy and healthy children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you "fall in" before you marry.

Rather, it is something which you build together through the years. Those who have found a sounder base for love wil find that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage increases over time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life's experiences and meanings for you both.

Chuck Smith is the owner and webmaster of Wedding Home Pages, where you can download a professionally-designed wedding template for your special day. Visit Wedding Home Pages for the wedding web site of your dreams.

The Best Resources for Your Marriage


Do You and Your Spouse Look Like One Another?
In an article, "Why Some Old Lovers Look Alike", Ker Than writes, "We like people who look like us, because they tend to have personalities similar to our own...the longer we are with someone, the more similarities in appearance grow...partners...

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

View the original article here

Resolving Difficult Marriage Problems

Not all marriage problems can be solved, but many can. As recently as a few generations ago, divorce was not considered a viable option for most people. Even today, there are religious groups who consider divorce unacceptable except in the event of certain extenuating circumstances - such as abuse or adultery. That point of view is not for everyone, but it is undeniable that marriage problems are put into a different perspective when there is no real choice but to solve them.

That having been said, it probably wasn't a good thing for individuals to feel that they were 'stuck' in a marriage - that they had no choice regarding whether to continue with the union. We are fortunate that we live in a time when people have choices regarding the direction of their lives. Regarding marriage problems, though, it is clearly better to solve them if this can be done, particularly if there are children in the picture. Marriage problems vary in type and severity, but there's one thing that many if not most have in common; most marriage problems, and their resolutions, depend on communication. Communication is the key to all effective relationships.

Communication styles vary, but presumably married couples are drawn together in the first place because there is a basic similarity or compatability between their communication styles. It takes time to maintain communication. Many marriage counselors recommend that couples have a weekly 'date' with one another, a time when there is a break from the regular routine and the couple do something relaxed and enjoyable together. After there are children, the weekly date becomes more difficult, but its more important than ever. Many couples become too busy to spend time with each other alone once there are children. Think about it, though - isn't it worth your while to take the time to ensure that your child's parents have a good marriage, and are able to provide a stable home? Parents that are happy together tend to have happier children, too.

Marriage problems, large or small, can be one of the great challenges in life. When dealt with head on, however, they need not get out of hand - in fact, dealing with these challenges as they arise can be very rewarding. It can even strengthen your marriage in the long run, and that means that your overall quality of life can benefit greatly as well.

View the original article here

Write An Apology To Your Spouse How To Apologize In A Way That Really Works

Dr. Peter Pearson

Being apologetic doesn’t come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted-- as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.
2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.
3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.
4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you’re a team.
5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.
2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.
3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.
4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)
5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).
6. You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.
2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.
3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours--and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.
4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.
5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

Our book, “Tell Me No Lies,” includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.

May all your apologies be little ones.

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, "Love that Lasts," visit The Couples Institute.

View the original article here

Why Some Marriages Explode And Fall Into Ashes

Just like a fire with smoldering embers can flare up when they are stirred or fanned, emotions can flare up in our marriages if issues are left unresolved to smolder and fester.

Express Anger Respectfully

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing anger for fear that it will damage relationships. However, if feelings are buried, they dont go away, they just smolder and easily flame up.

Its critical to learn how to disagree respectfully and without attacking your spouse. If a safe environment is created for discussing feelings, its much easier for the reticent spouse to have the courage to share from their heart and resolve any conflict.

Get Help For Serious Problems

Counseling keeps problems from escalating. If conflicts are not resolved early on, a couple may stew over these problems for years and this creates negative behavior patterns that become difficult to reverse.

Obtaining professional help sooner rather than later will reduce verbal sparring, poor or no communication and acting out.

Expect To Get Along

If you expect to get along with your spouse, you will get along with your spouse. Talking respectfully and looking for creative solutions to the problems you face as a couple and as parents will go a long way in creating a strong and enduring marriage.

If you expect to have a confrontation, you will have a confrontation. If you expect to resolve a conflict with respect and love, you will resolve a conflict with respect and love. Expect the best from your spouse, and youll get it.

As we express our anger respectfully, get professional help for serious marriage problems, and expect to get along, we will find our marriage growing instead of headed for the ash pile.

Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise web site, MarriageAdvise.com. To download your free ebook titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit http://www.marrigeadvice.com/.

View the original article here

Marriage Advice Your Mother Never Gave You

Robert Kokoska

Have you heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child? It doesn't stop there. Much of the wisdom that we get throughout life comes from our village - our group of contacts, friends and mentors, that we trust. In the olden days, marriage advice for young couples would come from parents and grandparents, most of whom would have had longstanding, successful marriages themselves. They were eminently qualified to give marriage advice, and the advice they gave was well taken and utilized. Of course, not every marriage was successful, even back then - but most people agree that marriages had a better chance a few generations ago.

Nowadays, it may be up to us to compile our own marriage advice from various friends, family members, professionals and books. The good news is that there's plenty of advice out there, and much of it is good. At the same time, it might also be time to question some of the traditional marriage advice that we've all heard at one time or another. For example, your mother or grandmother might have told you that you should never go to bed angry. The principle is sound - we shouldn't hold grudges or hold onto anger. But taking this advice too literally may backfire too; problems can look more serious when you're tired. Sometimes going to bed - even if you're still angry - might be just what you need to regain perspective.

Here's a great piece of marriage advice, though - take time out for each other, just to be together and communicate, no matter how busy life gets. This investment in your relationship will pay off a thousandfold over the years. One of the big problems that couples experience is that they lose the ability to communicate with one another. They might even feel like they have lost interest in each other and in the relationship, if communication is poor.

The best marriage advice is all like that - not necessarily easy to follow, but something you can work at over the years. Marriage can be hard work, but you generally get out of it what you put in. And if we can build solid marriages, we might be well on our way to reviving the 'villages' of the past - strong, solid communities that may be a source of traditional wisdom.

Are you seeking a happier marriage?

Learn the 50 secrets to a blissfull releationship!

The Best Resources for Your Marriage


Dennis and Gerry Weaver's Love Story
In describing his half a century marriage relationship with his wife Gerry, Dennis Weaver wrote in his autobiography, All the World's a Stage, "These are really the most love-filled days of our lives, and we are truly blessed, for that...Romance Through the Ages
Our Genealogy Guide here at About.com, Kimberly Powell, has a great article about the customs of love, marriage and dating. It's appropriate reading for this time of year! More on Romance and Love in Marriage...

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

View the original article here

Help Save a Marriage - How to Deal With Marriage Separation and Stop Divorce

Do you want to save your marriage today and stop a potential marriage separation or divorce? Do you feel as if your marriage is lacking spark or you just can't get it right? Do you fear a marriage separation or divorce is the only answer?

With one in three marriages ending in divorce, consider what effect is has on you and your family and whether or not you want to become another divorce statistic?

Have you considered getting help to save your marriage and stop divorce or separation? You should give yourself and your marriage every opportunity to succeed. There are techniques you can apply to help save your marriage today and stop divorce or a separation.

Do you want help in healing your relationship, resolving those painful conflicts, putting an end to the silence? If you want to help save your marriage you must learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to accept each others differences without the stress and pain of a separation or divorce. You don't need to regret wishing you could have done something to help save your marriage. If your wish is to save your marriage act, learn how to apply techniques that work, do something now, to save your marriage today.

I am sure most of you have tried ineffective methods to help save your marriage. There are millions of couples today that need viable techniques to help save their marriage. Not knowing proper techniques only make things worse and the techniques they've used to help save their marriage or stop divorce only end in disaster. Having the right information is vital when when you need to save your marriage today.

With the right information I believe anyone can have the marriage of their dreams, if you apply the techniques that work you can help save your marriage too.


Do you know learning how to communicate better does not solve your communication problems and won't necessarily help save your marriage or stop divorce. You'll find that it simply teaches you to fight better. What you need to focus on is to give up on arguing. It always inevitably leads into a battle of opinions, and neither of you is likely to change, especially if either or both of you are stubborn.

Learn how to identify risk factors for divorce and why you should ignore them. Become aware of the top six predictors of divorce and how to confront them head on. If you know the steps to having real power in your marriage, then you can help save your marriage and stop divorce.

The Real Marriage Killer: Loss of love and intimacy and how to recognize the real dangers in your relationship could help save your marriage, prevent you from separation or stop divorce. The real danger is not when you are arguing all the time, but disillusion and disappointment in your marriage can end it in divorce or separation.

Affairs: How to spot them and prevent them before they occur. You can learn when affairs are likely to occur and happen and prevent them before they happen by watching out for troublesome areas in your marriage. If you suspect an affair you should not come straight out and accuse your partner, but learn what techniques work best that will actually help save your marriage.

Lack of Commitment: If you're involved in something (or someone) else (workaholic, Internet), you're not involved with your spouse: learn how to spot how modern attitudes towards marriage that can work against commitment and can actually do harm and sabotage your marriage.

Growing Apart: Keep it from happening to you! You should know how to read your partner like a book and be able to identify crises and danger zones. By knowing how to identify them you can help save your marriage and spare yourself a lot of pain. Learn how to spot them before it causes a marriage separation or divorce.

Most couples fail to stop a marriage separation or divorce because they fail to take action. They fear that it may be too late. In order to help save your marriage, you need to have patience and perseverance to get through the tough times. But never give up on your marriage.

When facing marriage problems or trying to stop a divorce, you know that time is of the essence. To Save Your Marriage Today you can not rely on ineffective techniques.

Get expert information now at SaveMyMarriageTodayOnline

Marriage Vows

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and marriage vows are sacred in nature. Whatever may be the truth, marriage is one of the oldest human institutions surviving through ages and still doing fine. In fact it is one of those primary relationships which give rise to a family which in turn leads to the higher social structures and the society. Marriage has undergone tremendous change over thousands of years. Today in few parts of the world and in few societies, marriage is an established social structure for a primary relationship between a Man and Women based on equality and shared bonding.

Marriage vows: The reality

But this may not be true as black and white. If we analyze the marriage structure across societies around the world we will find lot of grey areas which are of concern. We may find that in many societies women are purchased like commodities at the market place. Here the criterion for selection is the amount of dowry the Women brings with her. In many more societies the only role of women in marriage is reproduction, procreation and bringing up the next generation. In such marriages it has been seen that women has to sacrifice her individuality at the expense of the family. Ironically such sacrifices are accepted as strict norms and rules for the women involved in the marriage but they are not applicable for the men. So in real terms marriage becomes a burden for the women involved. It becomes one of the classic tools of suppression and exploitation of women. All kinds of evil deeds against women are seen in the guise of marriage like the physical and mental torture of women in the name of dowry or covert and overt ways of control of women through the marriage including a check on their physical, psychological, financial, social and religious independence.

Marriage vows: The positive side

Nevertheless marriage is an institution which is worthwhile to preserve for the sake of all the positive advantages it offers to the society. Marriage allows the couple a life of love and commitment to each other and it provides a stable and protective environment for bringing up the next generation. Marriage helps us to live a life of love, compassion, sharing, caring and commitment which not only involves the self but also others in the family. In fact this is an institution which if properly understood and incorporated as part of our lives, can help us in evolving as a more refined human being who is capable of caring for others and who cares for the nature itself. Therefore marriage vows are sacred in nature.

Marriage vows: Interpretation of love in marriage

On the other hand marriage can also become a living hell if there is no love between the partners in the marriage. Now love in today's society has a very-very narrow meaning. Most of the marriages which have failed have sown the seeds of their own down fall either because of the evil practices which I had mentioned earlier or because of the "lack of love, bonding & mutual care" between the partners. When a person interprets lack of love and caring most of the times he/she ends up telling about only his/her needs which are perceived not to be fulfilled ignoring the other persons unfulfilled needs from the marriage. This is pure selfishness based only on one's self interest. This is not love. In fact this might have been a relationship where both the individuals only cared about their own needs ignoring the other person's aspirations and his/her needs. Always it has been seen that a marriage which is moving towards a failure has self interest as the primary cause of failure. Further the negative and manipulative developments due to the so called friends and relatives compound the problem to a great extent.

Marriage vows: No single answer for failure or success

There can be lot of angles through which we can analyze why a particular marriage was a failure or for that matter why majority of marriages are a big success even in today's materialistic world.

Marriage vows: Building the essential structures for married life

Speaking in a broader sense, I feel every marriage can work if people can look at their marriage through the spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and the physical planes strictly according to the order that I have mentioned. When we start looking the marriage through the spiritual dimension then the whole "scheme of the nature" opens in front of us. Then we can see the larger purpose of the marriage and we can see the meaning of the marriage in terms of what it can offer to the individuals involved, what it can offer to the family that is raised, what it can offer to the near and dear ones from both the sides and most importantly what it can offer to the society and the humanity at large.

Marriage vows: Living the real life

For the germination of a thinking based on holism and unification, we need to come out of our "outer exterior" that we portray to the world and live the real life we cherish and value. It is paramount for the couple to discus and open up their soul's true urge to each other and then synthesize a common structure at the spiritual level. They should know why they are coming together and how they see themselves together in the short term, the medium term and the long term. The couple should discuss their purpose of coming together in depth which in turn will provide the awareness and inclination to lay a structure and framework towards achieving their mutually synthesized purpose.

Marriage vows: Marriage with a mutually synthesized purpose

When the couple starts living their life dedicated to their mutually synthesized purpose, they will find that they are truly becoming independent and free in their growth as an individual and still remaining complementary and beneficial to each other, their near and dear ones and the society at large. Such a mutually complementary life sows the seed of real love and commitment which considers the total well being of not only the self but also the other person, the extended family, the society and the world.

Marriage vows: Highest foundation of spiritual awakening

Once a couple start living their life with their inner voice as the supreme guiding force, the world will start respecting them as individuals as well as a couple. People and society will then seek suggestions and advice from the couple and further they will have only suggestions and advise to offer to the couple. In fact the world will lose the power to interfere in the couple's day-to-day life.

Such a marriage based on the highest foundation of spiritual awakening based on our soul's desire is bound to succeed. A life lived with our inner soul's voice can never ever lead us to a wrong direction. It may throw up hurdles and barriers but it will also help us develop the strength and resourcefulness to invent ways to overcome these hurdles and barriers.

Marriage vows: Solid foundation for a marriage

Once we have a solid foundation based on the spiritual and the intuitional wisdom, we can start expanding the same into the intellectual, mental, emotional and physical planes. We can then think about the way we will use our keen intellect and mental energies to deal with the issues and people in our life. We will be then able to handle the negativity around us more rationally. We will then stop condemning a negative person and also stop becoming ourselves negative. On the other hand we will then try asking questions like, why this person is generating so much negativity. Are we the cause of it? Or is this person so negative because of his/her circumstances and past experiences? Whatever the cause may be, we will be then able to either solve the negativity or avoid the negativity without condemning the person involved and without we falling into the negativity trap. This will also help us to come out of the "blame game" which is so typical of today's society.

Further this kind of thinking will allow us to understand the negative and positive structures and help us to build on the positive structures of life and simultaneously either resolve, downplay or avoid the negative structures. We therefore prevent ourselves from getting into the negative spiral.

Thus with strong spiritual and intuitional wisdom as our foundation in life and with sound intellectual and mental balance to distinguish between the negative and positive structures of life it will become very easy for us to live in the emotional and physical planes. This will make us live a life with emotional and physical commitment to our near and dear ones, it will help us in starting a family with true commitment and dedication, it will help us in bringing the next generation in a protective and nurturing environment and it will help us in creating financial and material resources to look after us, our families and to be helpful to the society at large with the additional resources in hand.

Marriage vows: Integration of life at every level

Only by living a life which synthesizes and integrates the spiritual, intuitional, intellectual, mental and physical planes, we can think about living a life in sync with nature and our inner self. This makes us part of the nature's scheme of things in bringing the unification of forces. We need to believe in this unification of forces and actively practice in establishing it through motivating and strongly cajoling each other towards it. Only if this is done, we can think about bringing positive forces in our life and only then we can move ahead in life taking everybody along with us.

Marriage vows: Rupture in the marital relations

Now if a couple can work on the above mentioned platform from the beginning, the synthesis of life becomes easy. On the other hand if the marriage is already in trouble because of all the negative structures of the past and if the couple is trying to work out the process of rapprochement then they should keep one thing in their mind that is the whole process of rapprochement is a slow and steady process and it will evolve as per the will of the nature.

We should not think of pushing it or hastening it as nature has its own course of action. We are nobody to control nature. It may take months and years to break the negative structures and thus clear the bad blood and animosity between everybody involved. The miracles of nature happen slowly and steadily.

We need to understand the fact that to break and destroy things is easier and faster. To build a new structure from the ruins, it takes great courage, commitment and lot of time. As they say the real character of a person is known by how he/she acts in the times of adversity.

Marriage vows: Finding a win-win situation

In the troubled times, the rapprochement and counseling session should work on the immediate goal of finding a working solution to prevent the complete collapse of the marriage by offering a win-win situation to everybody involved.

Marriage vows: Open communication

The most important thing in this regard will be an open and free communication between the couple involved as well as the true well wishers of the couple who want to see them back together. This communication should not become a blame-game session nor should it become a session of dominating each other. These communication sessions should explore the possibility of constructing a middle ground to live a life based on the structures of spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and physical well being of everybody concerned.

Marriage vows: The choice is with the couple

Therefore it is indeed in the hands of the partners involved in the marriage to either make marriage vows sacred or make marriage a living hell for themselves. The choice is indeed with them and nobody else.

For free information and advice on topics and issues related to women, visit http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

This site envisions the rise of womanhood in true sense that is the rise of the "essence" of womanhood in the physical, mental, intellectual and the spiritual planes. It calls for the beginning of a campaign for the true rise of women in all spheres of life for the restoration of the balance in nature.

Somewhere we have to make a beginning and it's always better if we make the initiation at our own self. We can strengthen this mass movement for the "rise of womanhood" by bringing about the necessary changes in our own life as felt by our inner self. Further we can transmit the new thinking to others who care to listen. A small step today will definitely lead to a giant leap tomorrow.