Monday, February 28, 2011

Successful Dating And Marriage

Chapter One

"In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.


When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport in Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come to be associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects, who dreamt up the plan, forgot to dream about wed locks and goodbyes. Morpheus, the god of dreams, did not remind them.

Now, the term Narita divorce, has been coined for the newlyweds who on arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately head to the court to file divorce papers. Bad word!

Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the weeding day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the first child, while others may choose to divorce after their golden jubilee.

The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital misery, is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen, and other counselors offering advice on marriage, including a horde of publications on the subject. People have even written best-sellers, offering advice on broken families. Ask Inyanla Vanzant, the author of the book, Yesterday I Cried.

Let's get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3 marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1 out of 8 marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates have quadrupled since the 1980's, and in the United States and other lands, teenage mothers and children born out of wedlock, have been on the rise.

In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has totally been abandoned. In that country, single persons and individuals account for a majority of the families. And in France, people are marrying less, and divorcing more.

The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution -- is already telling on us. What with the violence that we see around us today?

Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like Rome and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization!

But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce certificates or simply living as roommates, or what has been called emotional divorce? Because they started their marriages with the wrong foot. And head to the wrong people to seek advice -- marriage counselors.

These series of articles will help you to get your marriage on a good start, and stay married. Because it will tell you God's view about marriage. And since God is the creator and originator of marriage, he is the best authority on this matter.

In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may have asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are the rules of dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage? What happens on the wedding day? What is needed for a successful marriage? How should disagreements be settled? What is my role in the family? How can a husband get his wife's respect? Why does a wife need her husband's love? Who is the decision maker? What about the children? And many more…

But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage. Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the hidden rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in your courtship and marriage, sex and happiness.

So, what are they?

Chapter Two

"It seems much easier to fall in love than to stay in love." --DR. KAREN KAYSER.


Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No, folk. May that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is like a packed theater with some uninterested spectators wanting to get out, and other interested ones waiting outside, wishing to get in.

If you think though that marriage can solve all of your problems, you are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can give you a measure of security and satisfaction if you play by the rules.

But we forget the rules before we rush into matrimony. And when a sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.

You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or no preparation. If you were entering the university for example, you will be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be asked to show other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if you were heading for a U.S. university.

But these are small things compared to the permanent relationship of marriage. Yet the only requirement in the marriage registry is your signature. Nothing else.

However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you append your signature to that marriage certificate. And what are they?

Failed Expectations

People think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the characters "live happily ever after." But it is never so. Because the great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming may turn out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and support that you badly craved before marriage may turn out to be a tale of rejection and disillusion.


You may also discover after the marriage that both of you are poles apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics which were hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And it becomes a story of "if I had known." (No thanks to mismatch and your beguiling mate!)


Your Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a battlefield of squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical violence. The very sweet words, like honeycombs which were used to win your hand in marriage now become weapons of abuse and "war."


It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: "I am no longer interested." And then the marriage drags on and on, like a factory worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul together. And one day, apathy turns to hate, and you find yourself telling your partner that the "game" is up!


Do not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy. It does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire.

Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial misfortune? And you who were used to summer holidays in the Virgin Islands, and cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now see poverty and hardship staring at you in the face? What will you do?


You may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins to drop when children start coming in. The reason may be that you no longer have time for each other, or your mate is now getting old. Is it time to sue for divorce?


It may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel, a betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now, suppose you find out that your mate lied to you about his or her history before the marriage? Or what if you find that your mate was cheating on you -- committing adultery?


Suppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if sex, which was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical? Some have even used sex as a bargain tool : Buy me a Swiss gold watch, and I will give you sex!

Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that their husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also been told by their wives that they would die if they had sex together. Because they have husbands who satisfy their sexual desires in the spirit world! What would you call that?


This may also affect your marriage depending on where you live. Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken marriages have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does this bother you? Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.


If you allow your in-laws to intrude into your family, they may ruin your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able to solve your marital problems without frequenting your parents, or relations for advice.


What kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that bad company can corrupt good manners.

These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may not be the case with your family. But know that there is no perfect family on this earth. So there must be one kind of problem or the other in your family. Now what are required to make a marriage successful?

To be continued


ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.
For his works and FREE helps for writers, goto:
Web search: Arthur Zulu

ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.

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The Basics Of Marriage Counseling

Stephen Kreutzer

Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. That is why there is an increase in couples seeking marriage counseling. Nobody wants to think that the marriage they are in will end. Marriage counseling offers a way for couples to work thorough problems with an outside influence. Marriage counseling can help couples to rebuild a marriage that was on the way to divorce.

Marriage counseling is a type of therapy that helps married couples resolve problems they may be having in their marriage. Most often counseling is conducted with both partners present. However, sometimes there will be individual sessions depending on the couples needs. The basis for marriage counseling is research that has shown problems in a marriage are best solved through communication and working together. Marriage counseling usually lasts a short period of time, until the problems are resolved and the marriage is back on track and the couple can handle problems on their own. In a session the counselor will ask questions, listen and analyze problems. The counseling usually starts with an analysis of the marriage and its problems. Then the problems are worked through to an amicable conclusion.

Marriage counselors are trained in psychotherapy. They also have an understanding about families, how to understand client's needs and problems. They also have training that allows them to help clients work through the problems to reach conclusions. All of this training lets them be able to identify underlying problems. A good marriage counselor will not make a client feel guilty or blame. They will teach clients to work through problems and get over bad feelings.

Marriage counseling can help couples open the lines of communication. Communication has been shown to be the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Couples with problems seek marriage counseling o get a better understanding of what has went wrong in their marriage, so they can once again have a string marriage.

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

Slovenian Marriage License Information
If you've just set a date for your wedding and want to get married in Slovenia, don't let the marriage license laws of Slovenia put a dent in your wedding plans. Here's what you need to know and what documents...Do You and Your Spouse Look Like One Another?
In an article, "Why Some Old Lovers Look Alike", Ker Than writes, "We like people who look like us, because they tend to have personalities similar to our own...the longer we are with someone, the more similarities in appearance

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

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Timely Counseling Can Save Your Marriage

Robert Kokoska

The sad fact is that far too many people wait too long before going for marriage counseling. Counseling has the potential to save marriages, by providing a space in which couples can explore their sources of conflict and arrive at a new understanding of their relationship and each other. Unfortunately, many people tend to hesitate before going into counseling. For some, counseling may even seem like an admission of failure. That's truly unfortunate, because it's far from true, but that perception can be very influential.

Timely counseling can save your marriage - if both partners are commited to the marriage and to the counseling process. The time to seek it out is not after the damage has been done, and your marriage and home environment are becoming contentious and inhospitable. Rather, the time to take this step is as soon as you notice that issues are coming up for you, or communication is breaking down. As mentioned before, for counseling or therapy to be helpful, both partners must be absolutely commited to the process. They must be willing to participate fully, with the intention of improving and saving the marriage. If one partner has already detatched himself, mentally or psychologically, the counseling process willb e useless. At that point, individual counseling is usually what is needed, and the chances fo saving the marriage are slimmer.

Of course, there are other actions you can take to save your marriage. Some couples are able to do this themselves, without outside help. Others get through difficult times with the help of family and friends. Some marriages are even helped by individual therapy - not just to help you separate if needed, but to allow you to enter the marriage more fully. For example, sometimes your experiences in a previous relationship can carry over into your present one, or a traumatic event from the past can affect the way you function today. Your marriage might be bearing the strain of these past events. Having the courage to face these issues might be what is needed to save your marriage.

Ultimately, it comes down to your (and your partner's) level of commitment to the marriage. If both partners are fully commited, they will do anything that is needed to make the marriage work. Usually, that means they will be successful. Most marriages can be saved, and nowadays, we have plenty of resources open to us to help us do so.

Are you seeking a happier marriage?

Learn the 50 secrets to a blissfull releationship!

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

The Marriages of Don Knotts
Don Knotts, considered by many to be "an icon" of the golden age of television, was married three times. Here's information about Don, his marriages, his children, and more. Read About Don Knotts' Marriages...Signs of a Low Sex Marriage
When your sex life lessens dramatically, it could be a red flag showing that there are other problems in your marriage relationship aside from the sex issue. In case you aren't sure what is meant by the phrase "low sex...

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Does Marriage Counseling Work

Article source: National Directory of Family and Marriage Counselors at

When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.

In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.

[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:

98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children's behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children's school performance
[*] Excerpted from

Shelly Phegley is a staff writer for The National Directory of Family and Marriage Counselors at -A resource center for those facing mariage issues. Research counseling options near you.

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Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A D

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren't getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.

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Get A Prenuptial Agreement Before Your Next Marriage

While signing a prenuptial agreement can be one of the all-time romantic turnoffs, for people heading into their second marriage, a prenuptial agreement can give the trade-off of a better relationship through the security of financial and life planning.

A prenuptial agreement is a legal contract between two people about to marry, specifying how assets will be distributed in the event of divorce or death. A prenuptial agreement is a good idea, even if you aren't rich or own a home. It saves future arguments and can even save you money.

A prenuptial agreement requires that each partner prepare an inventory of assets owned before the marriage, and it allows you to establish your separate priorities about those assets.

Even if you do nothing more than that in your prenuptial agreement, this gives children from a previous marriage a chance to have half of that property and establish what belonged to Mom or Dad before the second marriage, and it establishes what you're taking with you should you leave the marriage."

Statistically, second or third marriages are more likely to result in divorce than first-time unions. Because of this, a prenuptial agreement is an especially wise idea.

•A prenup is important if one of you is wealthier than the other.
•If you have assets such as a house, stock or retirement funds, you should have a prenup.
•A prenuptial agreement is essential if you own part or all of a business.
•A prenup can discuss your wishes if you may be receiving an inheritance.
•If you have relatives who need to be taken care of, such as disabled children or elderly parents, a prenuptial agreement is very important.
•If you expect to receive a big increase in income because of a growing business, a prenuptial agreement can address this issue.
•A prenuptial agreement is essential if you have children and/or grandchildren from a previous marriage.

We recommend that each partner draw up a list of assets. Furthermore, for professional couples, prenuptial agreements can be the ultimate protection against all-too-common lawsuits or medical malpractice suits. You can't predict all of your life events, and prenuptial agreements are a means of keeping your own assets safe in the event of any financial problems that your spouse may experience.

Note that Legal Helper Corp. provides an easy-to-use, quick, and economical online method for creating Prenuptial Agreement. -

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Considering Success In Marriage

Chuck Smith

Your success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. For Americans, this can be difficult. Especially because of the fictions we've been taught since childhood, which are supported by movies and other cultural influences. In fact, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a combination of the following:

1.The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself
2.The response to a person who reminds them of some one whom they have loved
3.The desire to escape from an unhappy situation
4.Consolation for failure or disappointment
5.Social pressures and/or the fear of being "left on the shelf"
6.Sexual desires
7.Some minor point of attraction

These forms of love are not false - they are very real. Often, they are intense enough to give a person an overwhelming feeling of certainty about marriage. And some of them - such as numbers 1, 6 and 7 - have a proper place in marriage.

Their danger is that they are superficial. No single one of them, or all of them together, is strong enough to constitute the foundations of a successful marriage. Yet these deceive people who believe that "love is enough" into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worthwhile must go far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to have and raise happy and healthy children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you "fall in" before you marry.

Rather, it is something which you build together through the years. Those who have found a sounder base for love wil find that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage increases over time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life's experiences and meanings for you both.

Chuck Smith is the owner and webmaster of Wedding Home Pages, where you can download a professionally-designed wedding template for your special day. Visit Wedding Home Pages for the wedding web site of your dreams.

The Best Resources for Your Marriage

Do You and Your Spouse Look Like One Another?
In an article, "Why Some Old Lovers Look Alike", Ker Than writes, "We like people who look like us, because they tend to have personalities similar to our own...the longer we are with someone, the more similarities in appearance

Just Trust!
Your Guide to the Wonders Within You

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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Resolving Difficult Marriage Problems

Not all marriage problems can be solved, but many can. As recently as a few generations ago, divorce was not considered a viable option for most people. Even today, there are religious groups who consider divorce unacceptable except in the event of certain extenuating circumstances - such as abuse or adultery. That point of view is not for everyone, but it is undeniable that marriage problems are put into a different perspective when there is no real choice but to solve them.

That having been said, it probably wasn't a good thing for individuals to feel that they were 'stuck' in a marriage - that they had no choice regarding whether to continue with the union. We are fortunate that we live in a time when people have choices regarding the direction of their lives. Regarding marriage problems, though, it is clearly better to solve them if this can be done, particularly if there are children in the picture. Marriage problems vary in type and severity, but there's one thing that many if not most have in common; most marriage problems, and their resolutions, depend on communication. Communication is the key to all effective relationships.

Communication styles vary, but presumably married couples are drawn together in the first place because there is a basic similarity or compatability between their communication styles. It takes time to maintain communication. Many marriage counselors recommend that couples have a weekly 'date' with one another, a time when there is a break from the regular routine and the couple do something relaxed and enjoyable together. After there are children, the weekly date becomes more difficult, but its more important than ever. Many couples become too busy to spend time with each other alone once there are children. Think about it, though - isn't it worth your while to take the time to ensure that your child's parents have a good marriage, and are able to provide a stable home? Parents that are happy together tend to have happier children, too.

Marriage problems, large or small, can be one of the great challenges in life. When dealt with head on, however, they need not get out of hand - in fact, dealing with these challenges as they arise can be very rewarding. It can even strengthen your marriage in the long run, and that means that your overall quality of life can benefit greatly as well.

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Write An Apology To Your Spouse How To Apologize In A Way That Really Works

Dr. Peter Pearson

Being apologetic doesn’t come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, “I’m sorry.” Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted-- as long as I looked sincere and said, “I’m sorry.” It was like having a “Get out of jail free” Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It’s for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they’ve created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you’re apologizing for.
2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.
3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you’re on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.
4. Describe why you’re interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you’re a team.
5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don’t change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.
2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.
3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.
4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)
5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).
6. You don’t have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I’ve been thinking about your comments that I don’t follow through consistently when I say I’ll do something. I apologize for that.
2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should “remind” me or not. If you don’t speak up you run the risk that I won’t follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.
3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it’s just to get you off my back. I think, “well, I’ll do it if I get time.” But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, often I simply don’t make the time. I’m also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours--and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven’t thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.
4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.
5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don’t follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

Our book, “Tell Me No Lies,” includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.

May all your apologies be little ones.

Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Since 1984, they have helped people create extraordinary relationships. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TV programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For more information and to subscribe to their free monthly newsletter, "Love that Lasts," visit The Couples Institute.

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Why Some Marriages Explode And Fall Into Ashes

Just like a fire with smoldering embers can flare up when they are stirred or fanned, emotions can flare up in our marriages if issues are left unresolved to smolder and fester.

Express Anger Respectfully

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing anger for fear that it will damage relationships. However, if feelings are buried, they dont go away, they just smolder and easily flame up.

Its critical to learn how to disagree respectfully and without attacking your spouse. If a safe environment is created for discussing feelings, its much easier for the reticent spouse to have the courage to share from their heart and resolve any conflict.

Get Help For Serious Problems

Counseling keeps problems from escalating. If conflicts are not resolved early on, a couple may stew over these problems for years and this creates negative behavior patterns that become difficult to reverse.

Obtaining professional help sooner rather than later will reduce verbal sparring, poor or no communication and acting out.

Expect To Get Along

If you expect to get along with your spouse, you will get along with your spouse. Talking respectfully and looking for creative solutions to the problems you face as a couple and as parents will go a long way in creating a strong and enduring marriage.

If you expect to have a confrontation, you will have a confrontation. If you expect to resolve a conflict with respect and love, you will resolve a conflict with respect and love. Expect the best from your spouse, and youll get it.

As we express our anger respectfully, get professional help for serious marriage problems, and expect to get along, we will find our marriage growing instead of headed for the ash pile.

Beth Young is the Senior Editor of the leading marriage advise web site, To download your free ebook titled, "101 Marriage Secrets" visit

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Marriage Advice Your Mother Never Gave You

Robert Kokoska

Have you heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child? It doesn't stop there. Much of the wisdom that we get throughout life comes from our village - our group of contacts, friends and mentors, that we trust. In the olden days, marriage advice for young couples would come from parents and grandparents, most of whom would have had longstanding, successful marriages themselves. They were eminently qualified to give marriage advice, and the advice they gave was well taken and utilized. Of course, not every marriage was successful, even back then - but most people agree that marriages had a better chance a few generations ago.

Nowadays, it may be up to us to compile our own marriage advice from various friends, family members, professionals and books. The good news is that there's plenty of advice out there, and much of it is good. At the same time, it might also be time to question some of the traditional marriage advice that we've all heard at one time or another. For example, your mother or grandmother might have told you that you should never go to bed angry. The principle is sound - we shouldn't hold grudges or hold onto anger. But taking this advice too literally may backfire too; problems can look more serious when you're tired. Sometimes going to bed - even if you're still angry - might be just what you need to regain perspective.

Here's a great piece of marriage advice, though - take time out for each other, just to be together and communicate, no matter how busy life gets. This investment in your relationship will pay off a thousandfold over the years. One of the big problems that couples experience is that they lose the ability to communicate with one another. They might even feel like they have lost interest in each other and in the relationship, if communication is poor.

The best marriage advice is all like that - not necessarily easy to follow, but something you can work at over the years. Marriage can be hard work, but you generally get out of it what you put in. And if we can build solid marriages, we might be well on our way to reviving the 'villages' of the past - strong, solid communities that may be a source of traditional wisdom.

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